This is the time in the Jewish year of regret and apology. Between the start of the month of Elul and the closing hours of Yom Kippur, the rabbis encourage us to evaluate the past year and determine the ways we could have done better. As a rabbi and as a human being, I have thousands of interactions every year, many of which go well, but others not so much. My list of “could-have, should-have, would-have” moments is always long and painful. Luckily, Judaism tells us we can make amends and at least start the year on even footing.
According to the great 12th Century rabbi, Moses Ben Maimon, aka Maimonides, there are four basic steps to an effective apology: verbally confess your mistake, ask for forgiveness, express sincere remorse, and resolve not to make the same mistake again (Mishneh Torah 1:1, 2:2). Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr. a Virginia Commonwealth University psychologist who studies forgiveness, boils it down to the acronym C.O.N.F.E.S.S. – Confess without excuse, Offer an apology, Note the other person’s pain, Forever value the relationship with the person, Equalize by offering retribution, Say “never again”, and Seek Forgiveness.
In this week’s double portion – Nitzavim-Vayelech – it is not human beings that are seeking an apology, but God. The Torah speak about a future where idol worship leads to all of Israel’s “soil devastated by sulfur and salt, beyond sowing and producing, no grass growing in it, just like the upheaval of Sodom and Gomorrah” (Deuteronomy 29:30). The solution: a sincere apology where our ancestors heed the commandments with “all [their] heart.” then “God will restore [their] fortunes and take [them] back in love” (Deuteronomy 30:3). Most importantly, despite our mistakes, the Torah tells us, forgiveness is always possible. Our tradition teaches us we do not need to be perfect; we just need to acknowledge our shortcomings. This High Holy Day season, let us work toward making as many necessary changes as we can, encouraging one another to be the best selves we can be.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Alex